i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there
If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
I'm a girl who met my last three bfs in gay clubs. Think I'm doing something wrong?
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
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