I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.
I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
