Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
I wanna get so drunk next week I throw up on a guy's genitals. I want to be that memorable for someone.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I'd cum for enchiladas.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
We celebrated our relationship by shotgunning beers on his lawn in our underwear. I may have to marry this man...
You would critique a dick pic. Damn art people.
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
and by running errands I mean eating an entire bag of milanos by myself in the Walmart parking lot
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