he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
she gave me a disgusted look and asked how i could live with myself. because i havent seen the rocky horror picture show. and then dumped me.
He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.
I recommend you throw your keys as far as you can in one direction, your phone as far as you can in the opposite direction, and hold on.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
the good news is that i vommed the last of my humanity last night.
welcome to the club.
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
I find him attractive in the absolute weirdest way. Like I need him to do my taxes, but I also feel like I should spill things on him to gain his attention and then lick it off to gain his affection.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
All I ever wanted was my bed, Tylenol, and total darkness. Instead I had a pervert with porno posters who blares german rock calling me tootsie pop. How was your saturday night?
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
I just saw a chick driving drinking a juice box smoking all while on the phone that is talent
Randomize
