But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
i dunno, a lot of my childhood feels like a drugged up fever dream
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
