shit! I think I may have lost something in your car. Look for anything that can possibly belong to me, especially look out for a pair of pink panties in a ziplock. I lost my spare and you better find it before someone else does.
I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I'm going through a really dark time right now
I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Stop chatting and get in the fucking car. I didn't get my asexual ass out of bed just to watch you flirt and fail with someone you're never going to see again.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
You ever have a fart follow you around?
Randomize
