Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.
Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
His mom already thought we were lesbians BODY SHOTS WERE JUST NOT AN OPTION SORRY
I can't believe I ever hated her sister or friends. They got her some sexy sexy ass lingerie for the honeymoon. I think I love them bitches
This is the Taco Bell dump we've all been waiting for.
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
My skirt was too short for the church and I brought my flask to the Scrooge play. God bless us, everyone!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
The not so cute guy next to me made me play Kid Rock on the jukebox but I'm a big believer in free drinks so I obliged.
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
We have massive handle of kettle and a rack of hi life
That's the happiest ive ever been at 7:48 am....
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