i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
so i just drove past a racoon and a kid on a long board... god i love 4am white castle runs
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
Are we going to go home and do it or do I have time to eat my nachos bell grande first?
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
Randomize
