thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
