Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Does he cat effect his dick pics to you? Because THAT is true love
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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