I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
The milf did the body paint, come to the bar
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
I think my nap took me to another dimension
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
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