We had sex on the first date...do you think he thinks I'm a whore?
Yes and so do I
After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
There was a gay guy in drag passed out against the wall but we had sex in there anyway.
No talking tonight. Just drinking and puking up memories
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
That's how pantless uber rides happen
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Randomize
