So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
I just spent the last three days trying to hook up with a dude for his pool privileges
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
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