Alli causes anal leakage. You can find someone to like you if you are fat but no one will like you if you poop yourself.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
I'm afraid I might run into that fat chick that sucked on me in the hospital parking lot while her friend cried in the car next to us, but I may be willing to take that chance.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
FOUND: my underwear in the cabinet above the toilet. What the actual fuck.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
Is Oprah even human
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
