I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
bl l w
this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Im drunk with people I love less than you. fix it.
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Randomize