I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
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