tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
i love accidental penises.
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
Tried to steal a keytar from my hook up's house.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
Hot freshmen.....hot freshmen chicks everywhere
You say this every welcome week, bro.
Stop studying come to the bar get drunk and help me figure out how to get home pretend there are commas in there someplace
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
You can't go around chasing people and screaming JUST LET ME LOVE YOU. We're in a public place.
There is a dude with blue hair and a samurai sword and another dude dressed as Dead Pool. I daresay standard social conventions are not applicable in this environment.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
Randomize
