What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?
A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
Randomize
