Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
he was playing drums on rock band as i poured bailey's into his mouth. tell me that's not a bonding moment.
There's a transgender game of twister in the basement...God doesnt want me to type this paper.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
You told him about your cats? I told his friend to put his dick in my mouth, and you talked about cats!?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
Randomize
