In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
Randomize
