She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?
You're the best girlfriend ever.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I was changing in front of my window and my neighbor text me saying, "nice pubes."
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
Randomize
