It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You dont lie about slip and slides
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Please tell me that all of the things I remember doing last night didn't really happen. Please.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize
