I want to have your abortion
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
He's still filling me in on the details. mid-table dance i asked to go water skiing?
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
If we're single and alone together, the fuck angels shall sing upon our nude bodies.
I just realized I have a habit of pre gaming for therapy visits. Problem?
We'll discuss it when you get here
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
