i threw up in his kitchen sink and then used a measuring cup to drink water because i couldn't find a clean glass. i just threw up down the stairs. it's gonna be a long walk home.
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
I'm high and I have a consensual booty call on the way and just thought that it was a good time to let you know that I think that you are a stellar person.
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
he's so sweet and its so cute. but I swear to fuck if I let my guard down and this was all a lie I am going to become a serial killer.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
