seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer
So is there a reason your dad is passed out naked in my shower? P.S. Congrats on the family dong.
I didn't get it..
I'm sorry. But to the original question please.
Oh yeah. I pretty much fucked the universes brains out lastnight. It was glorious.
He said he wanted to sit next to the fountain so he could "watch the water hit the other water".
So much Jack, so little girl.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
