if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK
I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?
this is Aaron, hi
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
MAYDAY. glass in foot, have crush on guy with mullet.life is over.
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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