I wish the holidays was like a drive thru. Get in. Get your presents. Get out.
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I wore a bird inflatable and still got laid. So there's that.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
People have been asking me if I'm going to the reunion lately. It occurs to me that everyone wants me there to feel that much better about themselves.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
We broke the bed while I was handcuffed to the headboard and let's just say that was a hard one to explain to the RA
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I have had flashes of 69ing, a strawberry flavored condom and begging him to sleep naked.
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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