just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.
Doors open. I'm laying in bed watching caddy shack and drinking a vodka tonic.
And I'm out of vodka so bring vodka or 2013 will blow ass
We did hand stand push-ups while beer bonging. Its now a thing
I just recorded myself pooping, then uploaded to google drive, then connected to my pc through teamviewer then downloaded it, then played it to the living room while still pooping. God I love the internet.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Im watching animal planet drunk, watching a documentary on mermaids. Tonight has not gone to waste.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
