He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
vegan vag taste different. and not a good different
I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Shit. She's still hooking up with some random in the doorway. How do I get out of here?
Well hurry! Everybody is already at McDonalds.
I'm free! Didnt realize how easy it was to crawl out the window.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
That car ride home was pretty awkward. Your feeling up the girlfriend to the guy who's throwing up out the window. Thanks for that.
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
