By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.
He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
you're asking me why i keep burn ointment in my purse.... do you really want to know the answer to that question?
I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
We could make it cute. Like "oh those two cute lesbians who are about five foot two who sell the cocaine down the street. You know the ones? With the Yorkies?"
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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