please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
margarita scented body wash shouldn't be used the morning after cuervo. there should be a warning on the label.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
The amount of dicks I have seen in the last hour is more than I have seen in my whole life.
You're only young once, and once you get old, you either regret all the sex you had, or you regret not having enough.
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
