She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
I really shouldn't have to apologize. It was your own damn fault for opening a tab at the bar and telling me about it.
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
I watch one musical on Netflix, and the "Suggested for you" section is literally almost the entire gay movie category. I feel profiled, and netflixs' accuracy about my sexuality is both impressive and offensive.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
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