just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
no.. I went home. Puking up hot dogs and lemon tart isn't as lovely as it sounds.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
low point in my life last night. licked pizza grease off my iphone screen..
what happened last night?!
you took a shot and then laid down on our kitchen table and passed out.. then when we tried to move you to the couch you screamed "no! i love tables"
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize