I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
Just got stuck in an elevator on campus with a ton of British guys. My pants almost pulled themselves down.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Randomize
