I bet the first cavemant to make fire got so much pussy
It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
My apartment smells like a lavender field inside of a giant bong.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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