He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
there's a girl in the coffee shop just eating a pint of ben & jerry's
SMART GIRL
I just feel like a girl who's never eaten a pb&j probably doesn't swallow
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Just because I know you’ll get a kick out of this, I sneezed earlier and cupcake frosting came out
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
