Sexting assembly today. Fuck yes
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
Totally just projectile vomited while ridind a bicycle.
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
not even kidding I just received the single most greatest head I have ever had.. It was unreal. It was like stick my dick into a silk bag of puppy ears.
I have alcoholic tendencies but you know what? College
She said I had a really great aura. Which I think is hippie code for "I bet you can give me a mind melting orgasm"
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
