So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
why did u let me go home with him last night?
u were determined it was a good idea
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
i suspect the closest i'll get to a valentine this year is a 16 year old on chat roulette asking me to show my tits. step up from last year, i guess.
My dora the explorer band aid does not cover up the shame i feel right now
The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.
You could breast feed yourself wine!! This shit is genius!
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
I walked into a room this morning and someone asked how my back was because I apparently threw myself off the porch after attempting to set myself on fire. Who the fuck let drunk me play with fire?!
Better question: who the fuck planted a tree next to the porch?!
just when his roommates walked in, we were naked in the kitchen. proceeded to awkwardly pretzel walk back into his room to cover each other (not that they haven't seen me naked plenty of times) and continue to have glorious morning sex. his roomates love me.
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
my Mom is now my Eskimo sister... she fucked my ex in my bed and took a selfie
Randomize
