you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
Wydf in so deruk i just dowwned a packet if salt waitibg for food at del taco
Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
I'm not dropping acid and watching game of thrones with you. That just sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
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