weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
I just watched Jersey Shore so I would know what rock bottom was when I reach it.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
I called my mom while I was blackout drunk, and told her I was drunk, safe, and happy. But really, I was just drunk.
I got so drunk I thought my tennis court was a corn field so I laid in it and ate pizza
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
I've decided I will have no shame for the things I don't remember doing.
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