I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
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