Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
i got turned down by a girl after she saw how big my penis was and she said "thats not goin in me"
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
Am I not being subtle enough by giving him a rainbow striped bong, during PRIDE MONTH?
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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