Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
WHEN THE HELL DOES ANYTHING IN OUR LIVES *EVER* GO AS PLANNED???
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I'm having to shit out rocks
Randomize
