Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
i can't find my house
we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.
i'm pretty sure my house moved.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
I hate when I wake up and find my vibrator next to me. Such a waste of an orgasm...getting myself off in my sleep and not remembering
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
I made him fuck me while wearing a Thor helmat from Walmart. Geek sex is the best sex
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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