did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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