A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
I have a question, if it paid really well, like ridiculously well, would you be a restaraunts under the table resident blowjob girl?
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
he started frosting cupcakes and licking the mini-spatula realllllly deliberately and i don't know if i'm more attracted to him or the cupcakes
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
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