my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Youre a wreck. Youll be in your dorm weeping to project runway covered in pizza sauce and smelling of stale beer
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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