I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!
well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
im getting a BJ in a closet
and a penguin just handed me a bong
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
deryk tried to steal your screen door and i think sam and brent are duct taping lauren to the diving board.
When you get to his house tomorrow, follow your instincts. Find the cat first.
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
like when you break up with someone your virginity slowly starts to grow back & when it's done it's like ding ding ding you're ready to date again
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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