I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Being drunk at the hospital is better than i expected. I got to hide and play in the little kids waiting area. Btw no one is hurt
Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.
Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?
yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
It's supposed to be a shit show, it's an end of the world party.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
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