Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
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