Am I allowed to make my facebook status "loves farting in chairs"? I think it would shock every boy that I am friends with.
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
woke up at my desk with a paper in front of me that says "people stranded on islands love having wet dreams" what the fuck happened last night
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I let my cat eat the pepperonis off of my pizza while I was still eating it. That's the level of tequila drunk I got last night.
God I adore you.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
How bad would it be if I wore out the dress we got peed on in. You're the only one who knows.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
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