you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
I had to watch them play Salty Cracker. I have never seen a grown man cry with a boner before
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
The stock is going waaaaay up on that picture of my pussy with a bowtie on it.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
I feel like I'm a car that keeps getting Bacardi 151 instead of fuel
Randomize
