Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
she moaned out jack bauer's name while i was banging her...
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
Where can I buy a stripper pole at midnight on a Sunday?
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