"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...
Dont! You were just serving you country
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.
ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.
I had him autograph the condom wrapper.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I'M SORRY THIS WAS SEXTING AND I MADE IT SERIOUS.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
