based on who turned up here tonight the whole evening should just be called "mistakes i made when i was fat"
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
HOW MANY BOYS NOT ONLY APPROVE OF YOUR PLAN TO BECOME POCAHONTAS, BUT WANT TO MAKE SURE YOU DO IT RIGHT? One, the answer is one, and he is the best and if anyone ever tries to steal him I can assure you they will never be heard from again
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
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