Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
she's throwing things again.. almost stabbed herself in the eye with a fork.
There's never a time that i stay at this apartment that when i wake up in the morning and sit outside to smoke a cigarette that i don't feel ashamed of myself.
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Can I just keep holy water in the night stand next to the vibrator?
There's just no proper way to thank a man for that many consecutive orgasims.
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
