could you grab mr moo while you're at his apt?
you brought your stuffed animal to a booty call?
ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
I mean if she was naked in my room I would talk to her
His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Wow my largely unnecessary pool of lizard-related knowledge finally came in handy. Are you proud?
I don't know what to say
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
I'm worried about your health. And your boobs. Actually, health, then boobs. Health first, boobs second. And third.
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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